futility files

This might be the best example of futility I’ve ever seen.

Lesson 1 in how to get people to flood a porn site:



Telling someone to not go directly to a porn site is like trying to tell someone... TO NOT GO DIRECTLY TO A PORN SITE.

dbt

caution: bears

One of the bosses in my office responsible for recent mass redundancies and lay offs wears a ridiculous scarf.

I suggested it made him look a bit like Rupert the Bear but one of my colleagues disagreed, saying that Rupert was essentially harmless.

But I don’t know. I remember Rupert being a bit of a cunt.

retired hurt

This could very well be my first ever sports injury.

I don’t count the time I got a sudden case of asthma at the rugby try outs in high school.

Because I don’t have asthma.

Because I was faking it.

Because I fucking hate rugby.

Anyway here is the injury:

It's small, but it's there...

It’s from a blister. Caused by BLISTERING SLAM ACTION on the foosball table!

BLAM!

Look at it… it’s right in the centre of my palm. Like a sort of babyfoot stigmata. I am the Jebus of Table Football.

Hallelujah!

dbt

you get what you pay for, or not

"Waste of time and money"? You want "waste of time and money"?

Ok, Ok… I’ll give you "waste of time and money".

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… The London Bus iphone app.

To be fair I have used this before with some success, and I believe it cost me just 59p but this screen shot is what I was presented with when I asked it to get me from Waterloo Station to my work on Gray’s Inn Road in the fastest possible time. Keeping in mind... this is a London BUS application.

The first step is really where the app fails I believe.

NB If I got in a cab to Holborn I could complete my journey to work in that taxi for about another £2. About the cost of a bus ticket, I’d say.

Take a taxi to Holborn Station? How ‘bout NO, you worthless piece of technoshit!

dbt

when a woman bakes

when a woman bakes
Originally uploaded by dbtelford

another entry from the 365 project i've undertaken this year. thistaken on sunday.

sadly the pie wasn't my doing.

but i was the pie's UNdoing! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!

(it tasted good, is what i'm trying to say)

project 365 :: 2010 01 05 :: kung food

kung food
Originally uploaded by dbtelford

kung food, clerkenwell. the best name for a chinese restaurant. ever.

my tweeting year

I started using twitter this year, about the same time as I got an iphone. I thought “if I’m going to be a massive tool, I should at least be the best tool I can be.”

I’ve used 3 different twitter apps, 2 web apps, and tweeted 450 times in 189 days. Just over 2 tweets a day on average.

I’ve whittled down the tweets, excluding retweets, replies, and responses in to a good representation of my year in tweeting.

The first one is my first ever, and the last one is my most recent, those in between range from banal status updates to banal statements to banal jokes.

Out of the 46 tweets below:
17 are regarding food, drink, or the after effects of same.
8 contain swears
10 contain words that aren’t real words
2 contain the word “scabs”
11 are about music
1 is a quote. But it’s by Van Gogh. And it’s incredible.

is a twit. errr...

i feel weird about using a strange towel... but i ain't sorry for it

i do believe that man landed on the moon. i do not, however, believe that they came back. there is some fucked up shit going on up there.

i just found a tenner in my jeans pocket. what a great day to go casual!

more free money today as tfl email me to say they owe me £4. gotsta pick it up at balham. yoink.

lining up for pimms, it smells like vomit here :(

off to the opera tonight. can’t decide which one of my monocles goes best with my new cape! so annoying!

I’ve heard that koalas are quite loud when they're fucking. honestly, i just wanted to hug one, i wasn't going to take it any further

dang, it's raining in central london now. have to walk to kings x with vintage vinyl, a hat box and a ruck sack. raybans: on or off?

found out yesterday i can become a british citizen, what what. now where's my tea and crumpets?

I like scabs so much that I would pick other peoples scabs

Old Red Lion, Holborn. Worst steak pie in Christendom. Fact

i miss the italian sausaje at exmouth market. if i find out those mexicans are responsible i'll be muy molestado!

fuck you, monday. fuck you in your evil soul.

starving hungry + hungover = hungrover?

Andrew Stockdale is the only original member left in wolfmother? that is ri-axlrose-diculous.

citizenship test #1. invent a sport and let other people best me at it.

currently putting off work to read an article called how to stop procrastination... part 1

cooked a lovely dinner for 6 last night. only 2 were violently ill this morning. Result!

new ducti wallet has broken my second oyster card in under a month. piece of shit. going back to my 15 year old leather friend

Derren Brown reveals his balls to nation and is applauded. when i did it it was "inappropriate behaviour in the work place". whatever, man.

a teacher i know says half his yr 8 class have never heard of the 9/11 attacks. i'm like, well i'd never heard of them when i was their age

hey d list celebrities! i don't give a good god damn how you once bonded on set with patrick fucking swayze.

just had a hersheys bar. how do americans eat this shit? tastes like vomit. mixed in arse. coated in scabs. boiled in snot.

saw a bunch of art students in exmouth market yesterday. very sketchy.

HUNGROVER!

Watching bad john Lennon biopic on sky. Don't recall his "mullet" phase.

Enjoying Sunday night uke box at the amersham arms. What to request?

Can't believe Leona Lewis has an autobiography! That makes me want to punch someone in the face.

robbie and whitney both out of their gourd on the x-factor. what the hell are ITV serving in the green room?

isn't it about time someone upgrades george martin to the 3rd beatle? i mean... the spots are free, right?

Off to flog tickets to a tout in elephant and castle - eek! If u don't hear from me send elephants. And guns. The things I do for Rocktober

ice skating bear kills ringmaster. "wanted to feel what it was like to maul a baboon"

phrazes for the young is awemazing.

oh, google: "did you mean amazing?" NO I FUCKING DIDN'T!

The man in front of me has literally never ordered subway before. Gonna be here forever.

just learnt that the investment land i bought on the moon was rocketed by NASA last week. my water feature was destroyed!

a friend just lent me (If) I Did It by OJ Simpson. Can't wait to read about behind the scenes on the Naked Gun films.

is writing. and sharing a bottle of nice wine... ok fine... i'm drinking alone. ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW!

"Eat well, and don't fuck too hard; if you don't fuck too hard, your painting will be all the spunkier for it." Van Gogh.

Bacon!

BEER IS AMAZING

Just saw a MAN buy the SUSAN BOYLE cd at SAINSBURY'S! the end of days is nigh.

i have had zero coffee this week and i feel fine *donk* Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

it's like RATM have just gotten all the best people from Audioslave and made an entirely new band. i quite like them.

Fire alarm! = Pub!